my parents just had a tiff. the whole house is so quiet; they're not really talking to each other. i don't know what to do. it's like i asked my mum why she's angry w my dad but she just kept quiet. and i don't know how to go about broaching the subject to my dad. and then there's everything else that are making me go rahrahrah but then i think i kinda brought it upon myself to fall into this bottomless pit. yeah i am an idiot it always happens i always pick the worst time for things to happen. and i'm really like tired of what's happening; it's like sometimes in the midst of a smooth sailing period of my life i always wonder when the worst will come; life can't always be a bed of roses, can it? and looks like once again it's coming true; the beijing trip was fun and the subsequent days were spent catching up, being bonded and having found true friends in everyone, but just when the fun has finally settled and we're all trying to enter our normal lives again, we start to get embroiled in sticky situations. or is it just me. but anyway yeah. i hate to face this change and i hate that i can't do anything about it if nobody wants to tell me what exactly is going on. and then my brother is not in the house most of the time so he can conveniently pretend he doesn't know what's happening. what the hell. and of course it makes me very upset to see this kinda thing happening because i depend alot of my home for the sense of comfort and belonging, and the happy noise it emits. and to think i'm actually leaving for alpha camp tmr already, when everything's like hanging on loose threads. i don't know. i'm so unsure about alpha camp, unsure about trying to mix with these people whom i barely know, whom on the other hand are already lifelong friends who grew up tgt with the church. and it gets very scary because i really hate to be lost in a place where everyone seems to know their own stuff and all. as such i even thought of like maybe texting juin smth like 'hey i'm sick i don't think i can make it' but then i always think of how i'll disappoint him and all like he's been trying to get me and others to go for the camp for so many times already. plus ive already been attending cell and all that. i mean, yeah only two things can happen: either i get very close to the churchies or i remain like, a stranger to them. and just when im struggling whether to give it a miss i received er. the group leader, honey's call to tell me about the packing list and blah. yeah that was then i decided maybe i should just go and like keep telling myself it's gna be alright cos.. cos it's like sppsed to be fun right? and then there's juin and enli and everything. I DONT KNOW. but i dont wna think about it already. the main point is, when i told my mum this morning about having to go for the camp for 4d3n she was totally like, :O and she was like asking if i could go for half the thing but i was telling her that nobody leaves halfway like that cos there simply isn't any point, though deep inside i wished i could do it just for her. i dont know, on the other hand it's a good escape for me, going to the camp. i know it'll take my mind off many many things. the tension at home, the haunting memories and tangled heartstrings. it's like i never understood how people can actually be afraid to love and be in love because it's such a wonderful thing, but now i do because when a series of unfortunate events (hah) happen it simply kills the intention of letting the feelings grow. so does anyone understand finally why i always say i wont get married, apart from the fact that i will be left on the shelves?